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I'm already looking forward to the day after X, to be free of X, at last!
X has given me an umbrella in the last nine years, almost 10 years to be exact. He has protected me against storms, mostly financial ones; most of all, he has protected me from Covid, at least, since he has given me a home, a roof over my head here in downtown Davao, in an area very accessible to everything that I and my family need so that we could not really feel the extent of the horror of the lockdown all throughout the pandemic. It was like living in a protective bubble. Although we are aware of the risks and the danger everywhere, we feel where we were a basic sense of safety. During the times when the outside world seemed to be going mad, we were able to retreat to our sense of safety, here in our bubble, thanks to X.
X has also allowed me access to some privileges, reduced the fear and anxiety I've been carrying with me since childhood, protected me against the harshness and prejudices of fellowmen and women, etcetera, etcetera. It was because of X, or at least with the stability that X provided, that I was able to explore oil painting, watercolors, pastels and embarked on my journey to self-discovery. It was X who allowed me to travel, to find adventure in several places, to go wayward, sometimes, without adverse cost to myself.
Now, I'm saying goodbye to X. Because even if X was really a good provider, he was also ruthless, cruel, egocentric and rigid in his own beliefs. Through the years that I've been with X, X had never seen me. Or, is it right to say, he refused to see me. He has always treated me as invisible although through these years, I've been doing work for X.
These are my last eight days with X. I can't describe yet how I feel. Excited by the prospect of my impending freedom? Afraid of losing all the privileges I used to enjoy? I'm supposed to write a goodbye letter to X but right now, I can't do it yet. I'm still trying to still myself, I'm still trying to console myself because I feel so broken.
