Last night, I
finished Henry James’ The Turn of the Screw and cannot stop cursing Henry James,
because I thought I did not really like a ghost story, no matter how gothic; but
in between, I thought, is Henry James’ narrator insane? (It was much, much later, when I learned about
Henry James’ ambiguity, that I realized, it was Henry James’ writing working in
my head) but hearing me, Ja asked, why don’t you ask Henry James? Stop complaining
to us. But Henry James is dead, I said. Oh,
Ja said. Then, he added, and how is the language? He’s a 19th century
author, why would you like to read him? I said, I came to open the page while I
was waiting for that guy in B’la, and realized I could not put it down. The guy—who
was supposed to put on the grills in the upper windows—did not arrive and so, I
continued reading. I haven’t finished it
when I needed to go back here so I took the book along with me despite my
earlier promise never to bring new books to the new house, which is very small,
and already too crammed with books. But
I can’t help it. I needed to lose myself in a book to fight the deep uneasiness already bogging me, creating havoc to my
nerves. At home, Pa kept saying, he used to have a classmate who used to have
so many books, he was so stupid. Bobo. Dull. I told him I met so many people,
Pa, who never went to school and yet were very brilliant, they had super-first-class
minds. I was thinking of the lumads, who were clear-headed in their thinking.
He did not reply. I also met a lot of
people who went to school and graduated and who were very stupid, they didn’t
know how to use their minds. He said, I used to have a classmate who had so
many books but was so dull (bobo). I
said, maybe, he never read his books? He said, how can he read them, there were
so many? He said he never had any book, only a notebook, and yet, he was very
smart. Later, I realized, Pa must have
been talking about me: was he thinking I have so many books and is so bobo? I
was horrified.
I was getting anxious
because I felt I was already being left behind by the election stories that were going very
fast, I had trouble keeping up. And yet, while my world was slipping away, leaving me behind, I got so stuck in B’la, where Ma and Pa kept staring in space, as if nothing was happening to the world, and Pa would
suddenly say, I need to go to town, I need to drink beer in town, and Ma would
be frantic, running after him. Watching
them, I get so confused, disoriented. I could no longer understand what’s
happening to me. Oftentimes, I have
grave doubts why I’m even spending time in B’la, especially when Ma and Pa are
behaving like they never really needed me there, resenting my presence. I’d asked Ja, are you sure, there really is
any worth to what I am doing? They don’t seem to like me there. Why am I doing
this? Why do I need to spend time in B’la when they keep saying to me they don’t
even need me there? Why would I go there when I really badly need to earn an
income here? Why do I need to sacrifice days-without-income watching them, only
to be snapped at, and to be made to feel I was a total failure just because I
love books and I hate to drink alcohol?
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