Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Maybe this is how they kill you

Please don’t send in anything that will crush me. I won’t be able to deal with it. I would die. I took the jeepney to Ecoland and went straight to the newsroom, bringing with me facts for stories. But I have trouble dealing with the facts of life. It’s a hard feeling. You feel the rock in your stomach. You feel the world come to a standstill. You keep seeing the faces of your boys: two pairs of lovely expectant eyes; wondering, waiting, you had to dig deep inside your soul for the last ounce of courage to tell them, wait a little while, son, it’s coming. But you know quite well it’s not. Nothing is coming. Not even Christ. Lesson learned: Never take documentation works anymore. It sounds easy but it’s not. It will take away your momentum to write; and it’s hard, janitorial work. I did it the past month and I haven’t gotten over it. They made me do it over and over again, so I had to set aside other jobs, I ended up not writing my stories, and now I face the prospect of not getting paid. It never happened to me before—to be made to repeat and rewrite over and over again—I feel dumb and stupid. I should not—should not do it again. I’m still reeling from shock. I can’t shake it off my system. I found myself watching, listening toBob, over and over again, until I was numb and dumb. But I went home drunk with all of Dylan’s philosophy and all of Dylan’s music. Maybe, this is how they kill you. I got to be prepared.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

idon't wanna work in maggie's farm no more? i like that one. makes me smirk. i'd rather enlist in the war. it HAS come.

Dava Maguinda said...

haha! so, now, you've come back?! why not start a garden and plant alfalfa?!

Anonymous said...

come back where? maggie's farm is a bob dylan song, he could have not been talking about farming as he was not in kansan when he wrote that, he probably was talking about documentation work. i don't know alfalfa, is that the one they turn into paper?

Anonymous said...

i had an herb garden where i was not allowed to plant berries. i collected seedlings the birds planted hoping i would be able to plant them in your mother's land but the landowner bulldozed them, he is running a boarding house, he said, not a botanical garden.

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