That night, I told my Pa the only thing I strongly desire is simply to get my hands into the soil to plant some timber trees along the slopes of his farm. It has to be hard timber, but I don't care if it be soft. I particularly choose timber from the stories he used to tell me about how he arrived in our place when it was still a forest until the logging companies started felling down the gigantic trees. I was amazed that those gigantic trees have been in the place for nobody knows how long, nobody planted them there and yet, when the logging came, everybody acted as if they owned the land as far as they ca see, and went felling the trees, one by one, just like that! I told my Pa I wanted to see that forest and would start by planting a single tree, and then another and then another. But I can't seem to do it because in the city, something is pulling me out of myself, killing me. I did not tell this part to my Pa. I merely told him I wanted to plant trees desperately and would do it as soon as I get the chance. He did not appear surprised, which surprised me because my Pa has been very prone to violent mood swings. I never really got to the point of telling him I wanted to abandon everything right now just to be in some glorious nowhere. I am already very tired.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Mangagoy overnight
On March 1, 2013, as this picture indicates, I awoke to a morning in Mangagoy, which was a village, not a town, as I earlier thought it was. I arrived the previous night in a convoy that travelled the whole stretch of road from Trento, Agusan del Sur to Lingig and Bislig in Surigao del Sur before reaching the typhoon-hit town of Boston and Baganga, Davao Oriental. These were a string of towns that I wrote about, and heard about so much without seeing, and so, catching the glimpse of the bridge in Lingig and a huddle of houses, made me glimpse for the first time some parcels of the things I merely wrote about. When in the towns of Boston, someone happened to mention we were going to sleep somewhere in Mangagoy, my ears perked up and I summoned my last ounce of energy to keep myself awake. We arrived in a place full of what looked like ramshackle buildings at about midnight in the middle of nowhere before we were deposited in a hotel, whose name served as the stubborn monument to the exploits of the logging era. Was it a Paper Tree Hotel? A shame, they have no shame, celebrating the memory of their crime in that name. Before this, Mangagoy was merely a name, a signboard in a bus terminal, a mysterious name of a place I've never been to. Did they say it is the country's largest village? I would remember Tsa Elim and the snotty guy from Mangagoy, who meticulously kept his room squeaky clean, the sheets smelling of perfume, the walls well-painted and well-lighted, to indicate his breeding, class and arrogance back in my university days. But it took three decades before I had the temerity to discover the beautiful place where he came from.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Reading Love
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Life with Ja
He has been asking why I've been calling him Ja. No, he was not asking, he was complaining. "Ja, what do you mean Ja?" he began, "Who among your friends knew who is Ja? Do they pronounce it as Ja, like I do or J.A., as you do? But you don't capitalize each letter and put period into each so that they will pronounce it as J-A, instead of Ja. I'm sure, they pronounce it as Ja, I'm sure of it. So, who is Ja? By the way, who is he? Ja? His name almost sounds like Jack, if you put c and k in it. I think they really think it is Jack.
Say Ja--as in Jack. They would think it's Jack. "It's not Jack!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. He knew how I hated that name. In our house, Jack is an accurst name, it's the name of the devil. "You're not allowed to speak that name in this house!" I screamed again. "That name is an abomination!" My voice, I think, reached as far as the mosque. It was still early. No one can be seen on the streets yet. "Then, who is Ja?" he asked, calmer now. "Tell me about Ja, then." So, I told him that Ja is actually J.A. Romualdez, the fictional name of someone who wrote a story about a catfish but has stopped writing long ago because he said writing is a hopeless enterprise. He nodded. It's easier for me to write it as Ja, instead of J.A. because I don't like words that are in all-caps. J.A. Romualdez has already assumed a lot of names lately, including Jamil Ahmed, the guy who frequents the stock market pages. I no longer wanted to continue. I felt I was veering towards another topic I did not want to talk about. But there's one think I am sure when I talk about Ja: he would never read this post and never will. He is the no-nonsense kind, you see, and had dismissed my writing as trash. While I--well, Sheilfa used to say I'm at my best when I'm murderously mad.
Say Ja--as in Jack. They would think it's Jack. "It's not Jack!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. He knew how I hated that name. In our house, Jack is an accurst name, it's the name of the devil. "You're not allowed to speak that name in this house!" I screamed again. "That name is an abomination!" My voice, I think, reached as far as the mosque. It was still early. No one can be seen on the streets yet. "Then, who is Ja?" he asked, calmer now. "Tell me about Ja, then." So, I told him that Ja is actually J.A. Romualdez, the fictional name of someone who wrote a story about a catfish but has stopped writing long ago because he said writing is a hopeless enterprise. He nodded. It's easier for me to write it as Ja, instead of J.A. because I don't like words that are in all-caps. J.A. Romualdez has already assumed a lot of names lately, including Jamil Ahmed, the guy who frequents the stock market pages. I no longer wanted to continue. I felt I was veering towards another topic I did not want to talk about. But there's one think I am sure when I talk about Ja: he would never read this post and never will. He is the no-nonsense kind, you see, and had dismissed my writing as trash. While I--well, Sheilfa used to say I'm at my best when I'm murderously mad.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Inside the cement factory
He said, don't stay out too long, Ma'm, this is a danger zone, anything can happen here, better stay inside where the press con is about to begin. Here, it's not safe, we don't even allow our workers here unless they have important things to do. We're no longer using these parts frequently now, if we do, you would not be able to stand the heat; we wouldn't have been here had the engines been running; everything you'd see, those gigantic pipes, they'd be very hot and noisy, you won't be able to stand the heat and the noise. Nobody can. Better get inside, Ma'm, we don't know something might fall or give way somewhere. Better be safe. It's safer inside, I promise. Everyone has gone inside, what are you doing here, Ma'm? This is not safe for people, especially for news people and stowaways.
Monday, September 08, 2014
Friday, September 05, 2014
On the Road to Boston, Davao Oriental
That day, we took the road that diverged from
the highway in Trento, Agusan del Sur, cutting through huge swathe of
plantation area that would later give way to the long stretch of land where nothing much seemed to be happening after the trail of the typhoon. The road brought us by midday to a torn
bridge that connected the land of Agusan to Surigao del Sur. I was alarmed to discover that the
British-Indian (or was it Indian-British?) humanitarian aid worker knew the
area better than I did; she said she spent her Christmas there, she flew in
after the devastation of Pablo, which hit us on December 4, 2012; I felt
awkward and embarrassed when I realized she had been elected as our guide for
this trip. No one knew the area better than she did and she had several local contacts. So, I pretended there was nothing unusual or extraordinary about that as I sat next to a British communications officer, spending her last weeks in the Philippines before flying back to London to wait for her reassignment to South Africa. Who are these people, I asked myself. Wasn’t it a bit insulting
for a journalist—who grew up in Mindanao all her life—only to be guided by a
foreigner from the other side of the world in her own territory? I was thinking then, this might be a new kind
of conquest, something that is designed to make you feel totally emasculated,
helpless in your own land? She was a sweet, handsome woman, bubbly with a lot of sense of humor. I was reading Thomas Hardy’s “Jude the Obscure” at this time, its paperback copy, I secretly sneaked into one of my backpack pockets, but I refrained from asking her about the place where Hardy used to live and the places he wrote about; most people in my circle thought Thomas Hardy was the author of The Hardy Boys, but I realized I did not want to spoil my T.H. pleasure with what I might discover.
Thursday, September 04, 2014
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
The absence of stories is failure of the mind
That shot is totally useless, throw it away, Ja said as soon as he saw this. But it's yellow and it's made of wood, I replied, you know how I love wood, and the way that it bears the marks of the elements, see those dents on the edges? See its uneven surface, the marks of time showing despite the yellow paint? The marks of the sea and wind, how can I just throw it away?
But there's no story there. What exactly are you trying to say? Ja asked.
No story! I exclaimed. Canary yellow against the blue, no story? Who painted it, no story? How long has it been standing there, no story? Who are the boatmen? What kind of people are they? No story? Isn't the absence of stories a failure of perception? Isn't it even a failure of the imagination?
But there's no story there. What exactly are you trying to say? Ja asked.
No story! I exclaimed. Canary yellow against the blue, no story? Who painted it, no story? How long has it been standing there, no story? Who are the boatmen? What kind of people are they? No story? Isn't the absence of stories a failure of perception? Isn't it even a failure of the imagination?
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Loving the Shadows
Since I am still chasing an impossible deadline, just let me post this first to mark this time of my life, hoping that I can retrieve it later, and then, I can remember what I have gone through, and finally, I can write and talk about it with you, and that would be a chance for both of us to laugh again and be free.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Sunrise at Nova Tierra
Morning starts with Ja telling me if you really want to be a
photographer you have to get up and watch what the sun’s first rays are doing to
the mosque, get up, what are you doing there, lying down, you, spoiled lazy brat, just a few seconds
and this moment is gone; I said, what do you mean, just a few seconds, are you sure you're talking to me? I live here for a long time, don't you realize? I
have taken millions of pictures of that mosque and they all look the same, I’m tired, I’m still sleepy, I have memory loss, and I still have to finish my dream to retrieve my
memory, otherwise, I’ll feel lost and tired the whole day. As soon as I said this, I get
up anyway to take a picture of the Al-Ziddiq Mosque.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Glimpse of Lake Lanao
After I chased Pam to the third or was it the fourth or the fifth (?) floor of the unfinished building, where, as soon as she saw me, she glared at me saying, what are you doing here--you and your fear of heights? Go down, go down, just leave me alone, I can easily get this thing done. I said it's not about my fear of heights that is the problem here, finish what you're doing as fast as you can and let's get out of here, ASAP! All the while I saw the man or whoever it was at the construction site looking at us, with loathing, looked Pam up and down with such a look of contempt, why does he look angry, full of hate, am I just imagining things? I smiled my best smile to the man, hoping to break the ice, hoping his hatred will somehow thaw, but sometimes my charm just wouldn't work and this was just one of those times.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
To the Man at the Marco
Back in October 2013, after I dismissed the class at a university at 9 pm, I crossed the street to cover a late night presscon in a hotel. On the third (or was it the fourth?) floor, we were all awaiting, ambush style, for the main source to appear when I looked up at a man looking down upon us from his hotel room window. This was my thoughts to the man: Whoever you are, I want your life. If it’s not for sale, just give it to me for free and I’ll make you happy, do you think I talk like a whore? Come on down here, where Mick and I am squatting, looking up from among these cameras and TV crews, all waiting in ambush to interview the mayor; Mick, contemplating of a probable life in Jakarta, while I am thinking of buying a camera, how can I buy one, I need one very badly, what are you thinking standing there, opening your door like that? Are you looking down upon us, wondering, what are those cameras, those tripods doing down there, swarming like bees, what are they, TV crews, reporters? Those people with notebooks, pens, recorders, readied; why are they squatting like that? How about the others, how long have they been standing there, waiting? What’s up? Who are those people inside the function room, where their eyes seemed to be fixed upon, who are they really, these people? So many of them, waiting, when it’s almost 11 pm, only hour before midnight, what are these people waiting? Aren’t they going to get some sleep?
Friday, July 25, 2014
Losing my yellow coin purse
Losing my yellow coin purse is really very difficult because it brings
back the devastating feeling of all my previous losses: those bagful of
clothes long, long ago, I left in a hotel after I heard the devastating
news about you; or that stupid brown wallet I lost inside the busy
Marawi public market in June while taking shots with Mick and
our Maranao friends; or how it felt to lose my beloved eyeglasses one
Tuesday in April while shuttling from a magazine office
to a TV network and finally, to a big newspaper compound at the heart of
Jakarta. Or, how it was to leave the newly-found Rachel Cusk's book on a
seat of a jeepney. They were not really worth millions, especially my
yellow coin purse,
which only had six one peso and two 25-centavo coins in it; but there’s
something about losing that makes you feel empty and dry. There’s
something
about the absence of the thing you lost that makes you look around to
notice the color you once took for granted but now makes you think of
the missing object with ache. Now I look at them and take notice: the
yellow tupperware
glass standing tall amid all the clutter on my table, the yellow
container thrown in a grass-covered lot next to
our house, the yellow cover of Ken Auletta’s book “Googled,” my yellow
underwear. I remember the day that Ja left and we ran out of cooking
oil. Is that the way relationships are measured? Through the sheer
number of yellow cooking oil containers bought from a convenience store,
used up and emptied? [This post has nothing to do with Pnoy's yellow,
which I vehemently detest!]
A Harried Visit to My Mother's Garden
I’m still in the midst of a very difficult
assignment but I can’t help posting this here. It’s always gratifying to find
out it was not my eye that was at fault, afterall; nor was it my poor
overworked point-and-shoot. Something else is the reason why I can't take the kind of shots I wanted to take for a long, long while.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Birthday Wishes
I never used to celebrate
birthdays—but increasingly, these years, I get a certain wish, a strong, quiet but maddening desire,
to be with myself on this day; to do nothing, to spend time with myself (of course,
with dear ones); but primarily, to see the beloved hermit in the form of an Old
Man with the Lamp on this very day, very far away from society. But normally, this
wish doesn’t usually happen to me. In 2007, I remember spending this day right
in a newsroom in Cebu, trying out a copy-editing job with friends and strangers
who never had an inkling it was my birthday. I read a lone greeting from a friend (it was from Ca) in Davao when I sneaked peek on my FB—or was it my email? They never
knew I was in Cebu, spending the graveyard hours copy-editing. In 2008, I was
inside a dorm in Quezon city’s barangay Loyola Heights,
battling with thick theoretical readings for our Media Ethics class at the
Asian Center for Journalism (ACFJ) at the Ateneo the following day. I was already
very drowsy because it was already deep in the night so I told Prateesh, my
pretty Nepali roommate, I can’t take it anymore, I got to sleep and leave my
readings in the morning; but Prateehba was so insistent that I should not
sleep. “No, no!" she said. "Do your readings now. You won’t be able to wake up in
the morning.” “I can wake up,” I said, confidently. “My
body has an inner clock that’s working perfectly.” Prateesh insisted that I
should not sleep so, I read a few more pages for a while and only went as far
as Herbert Marshall Mc Luhan and never got to John Rawls’ Theory of Justice,
which was my report the following day (how I figured out John Rawls’ theory of
justice the following day without reading him is another story) but on this
night of my birthday, I simply could not take all those readings anymore, I was
already very drowsy as I declared to Prateesh, “I’m not going to brush my teeth
tonight because it’s my birthday.” I can still see the shock and amusement on her face. She laughed so hard that she totally gave up making me read the rest of our readings. It was Bryant who discovered the following
day it was really my birthday (I think I had forgotten it) and he rushed to
join us with the Indonesian gang for some simple fun at the mall. The following years, my wish to be alone on
my birthday remains a wish that has never been completely fulfilled and
satisfied; and this year, this month, I’m afraid I’m going to spend my day
exploring a Unesco mountain. I only wish
I get to see the hermit. It will make up for everything.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Just a Glimpse of Iligan
We climbed up the top floor of the other building (what do you expect if you're with an excited bunch of photojournalists?) Pam, whose friend showed us the way, was always willing to climb anything; she's the type who won't think twice of climbing the highest tree in a jungle just to get the vantage point of a photograph, any photograph; as she did when she climbed the unfinished building inside the MSU campus to take a perspective shot of Lake Lanao. Here, we took what Ja and Sean would refer to as the sniper's view of the Iligan City Hall; even as I was trying to suppress my inherent fear of heights as we inched closer and closer to the edge.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
Anatomy of Pablo
I was trying to organize my files when I came upon the photographs I've taken in one of the series of stories I covered in the aftermath of the typhoon Pablo. The photographs showed me something that I did not see at the time I was covering the stories. Years after the killer typhoon that ravaged Mindanao towards the tail-end of 2012, I feel the need to look back and bravely take account of what I did and what I failed to do in those stories.
Friday, July 04, 2014
Another View from Our Office Window
Thursday, July 03, 2014
Jeepney seen from a Jeepney
I know that if I show this picture to Ja, he would stare at it very briefly and then, swiftly, he would look away. Oftentimes, he'd let out a sigh. A long,long sigh. If I'd ask him, what's wrong? Isn't this picture cute? Ja would not even utter a word. He would just give me one long, sorrowful look, and then, he'd go back to his business. Ja is my photo-critic and I exactly know what he wants in a picture. He wants a picture that tells a story; the kind of pictures with people in them doing some actions; of course, I don't need to say that they should be well composed, the rule of thirds and all, you know, the kind that gets published in newspapers. But I don't know how to make myself want to take those pictures to please Ja. I only want to please myself.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Learning to breathe
I said I have to run more often and delight at the stares of women at the pharmacy after I enter their air-conditioned premises, rivulets of sweat streaming down my face and neck, wetting my shirt. Do I really love to shock people? I should run round and round the park only to test how stubborn and how hard-headed I could get. If I give up that easy, I'd be a wimp; running would save me from being one. Just think of them men, who takes to speed and running to measure a person's worth. I should run. I should make it a point to run--or walk? If only to study character, in reality and fiction. Should I listen to people as they talk while they walk? Can eavesdropping be a kind of brainstorming? I should talk to myself. I should study my breath as I run, discover my own pace, listen to my body to avoid injuring a foot or a leg. Talk to my body, calmly and quietly, just like the way you talk to your soul. If you have one. Breathe.
Reading Maryanne Moll
In her blog, writer Maryanne Moll talks about the passing of her grandmother she fondly calls Bita, and then, I discover a lot more about Bita in her Palanca-winning story, "At Merienda" that I did not notice before, since I've only been a distance reader; though, for quite a time, I've been faithfully reading her blog, which I discovered years ago when she wrote something that really made me cry. I've been searching for what it was that she wrote--it must have been something about writing and the self, which used to be my biggest angst--but I could no longer find that early post that really introduced me to her. She had a way of deleting her posts sometimes, immediately after posting them (which, I understand, because I also do it a lot of times), but my all-time favorites are her posts on Lost Ground about her attempts to write in the Bikol language (again, folks, Bikol is not a dialect!); My Street, Myself, where she described a particular street in Manila where she lived for a while; and other really sensual kind of writing such as this.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Where we stayed in Iligan
It did not feel like a mobile newsroom at all; with its spacious living room, complete with a cozy sofa, its kitchen we used as the function room, separated by a glass wall from the living room and the small corridor that led to our rooms. The whole thing almost felt like one huge summer vacation house; and even with the opening of classes in June, it was not really too difficult to believe that and we would have enjoyed the idea, except that our favorite editor was there with us, always reminding us of our schedules and the (impossible) deadlines to meet; and so, my intestines started to knot; and I bumped my head and body on the glass walls many times on my way to my room as I struggled, body and soul, to let the stories out.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Suddenly missing Marawi
I spent the whole week last week tagging along our group of photojournalists involved in Panglantaw Mindanao's mobile multimedia newsroom in the cities of Iligan and Marawi. After our trip to Lake Lanao on the third day, I remember the downcast skies, the ramshackle buildings hovering over us, the sudden darkness blanketing the streets as the car inched through the thickness of the Marawi traffic. At our back, PM editor Luz Rimban telling Toto, seated in front, what kind of photos she would need; and as our vehicle stalled in the traffic, I heard the urgent clicking of camera shutters, rhythmic and fast; the din of excited voices from the road mingling with the sounds of the market. I looked up to see Toto and Mick sticking their heads out of the car windows to capture whatever pictures they can take of the busy public market, the children cheering at the sight, the people streaming out to the streets, rushing home under the threat of impending rain. The experience contrasted with the total calm, the peace and quiet of the King Faisal Mosque as soon as we reached the Mindanao State University campus.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Mother Tongue
Somebody commented how hard and how awkward I've been talking in Tagalog with Pam, which jolted me a bit because I did not realize I was already talking in Tagalog, and that was very bad. I've switched again into a strange language instead of sticking it out with my own mother tongue, which is pure Bisaya, oftentimes referred to by the miseducated and the unlettered as a "dialect," instead of a language. But why is it that every time I hear someone talk in that other language imposed upon us by the central government in Manila, a language that is totally alien to me, my mind automatically switch into default mode and I end up talking in a language which I have no control? I only got to meet Pam inside our office, where she hangs around, and also as part of the photojournalists' group in Mindanao, where I happened to be the odd one out; and although Pam had somehow gotten used to the language spoken in Bukidnon and Davao after staying here for maybe a couple of years, she still continue to use the tongue she used to grew up with in Binondo. Colette and I used to talk about this before. Colette, who left the university life in Manila for an adventure life in Davao (or was it really an adventure, Colette?) used to tell me, albeit secretly, how to intimidate an overbearing Bisaya. She used to revert to her Manila Tagalog in a subtle, almost natural way, and almost unconsciously, the overbearing one would revert into Tagalog, expressing it so badly, she'd end up humiliated and out of control. How we used to tease C for failing to master Cebuano despite her years of staying here; and how convenient it is for her to suddenly revert to her Mother Tongue to conquer an enemy! As we used say inside Dr. Ceres Pioquinto's class in Silliman U, "language is a power game." Where in that power game is Cebuano, and what does Tagalog do to keep its dominance?
This was what the awardwinning writer Lakambini Sitoy once said about the English
language, the invisibility of Cebuano and the dominance of the
so-called national language imposed upon us by the central government
in Manila. (By the way, Sitoy, who made this speech in 2001 before a Dane audience, writes her stories in English):"I write in
English not for political reasons, not to make a statement, but because
this is the only language that I am really good at. Because I grew up in
the Visayas, my other language was Cebuano. However, because the
central government in Luzon dictated that "Filipino", the national
language, be based on Luzon's Tagalog, "Filipino" was always an alien
language to me. I learned it through my grammar books in grade school
but it was never a valid way to express the way I felt. I only learned
Tagalog -- conversational Tagalog -- at age 22, when I moved to Manila.
Up to now I cannot speak nor write in formal Tagalog: our educational
system puts a premium on English, which was always a ready fall-back.
And as for Cebuano, it is invisible, virtually expunged, from the
educational system. Quite unfair, since more Filipinos speak it than any
other indigenous language. I can speak it, but was never taught the
formal rules of spelling, syntax, grammar -- nor were we exposed to
exemplary writing in Cebuano while in school."
Monday, May 26, 2014
Stewed Pieces of Slippers and Shards of Broken Glass
Political Activist Remembers the Soeharto Era
Jakarta, Indonesia--At first glance, the painting on the wall showed the feet
of what must be a sick man, covered by a blanket, beside a small
basket of corn grains, next to what could be a bowl of soup. ButTedjabayu Sudjojono,
70, son of Indonesia’s renowned painter, shook his head and said
this was not what the painting is all about.
The
man whose feet were shown sticking out of the striped blanket was not
just any other sick man. He was a political prisoner, jailed for his
political beliefs under the Soeharto regime. He was probably ill but the
bowl of soup next to his feet did not contain nourishment to eat.
Sudjojono,
who spent 14 years of his life in prison under the regime of former
Indonesian president Soeharto, said the painting depicted a political
prisoner imprisoned on Buru island, a large prison camp used to house
12,000 political prisoners after Soeharto came to power. Beside the
prisoner’s feet, the small basket contained 120 pieces of boiled
corn grains, the only food the prisoners were made to eat the entire
day, every day during their stay in prison.
Instead
of a delicious soup, the bowl contained stewed pieces of slippers and
shards of broken glass that the prisoners were made to eat or sip.
He
said they had to endure this ration day after day, throughout their
stay, so bad many of their friends died and only a few of them survived.
Of course, he said by way of explaining it, who would sip or drink the water that had pieces of dirty slipper parts and shards of glass floating in it? But after long hours staying handcuffed and all, they became so thirsty that they began sorting and taking out the shards of glass from the water in their desperation to drink--and that was how slowly, they began to die.
Of course, he said by way of explaining it, who would sip or drink the water that had pieces of dirty slipper parts and shards of glass floating in it? But after long hours staying handcuffed and all, they became so thirsty that they began sorting and taking out the shards of glass from the water in their desperation to drink--and that was how slowly, they began to die.
Tedjabayu,
who took us to his house in the outskirts of Jakarta two days after
the April 9 general elections, said a former political detainee gave
the painting to him as a gift on the day of his son’s circumcision
in Java, long after they were released from prison. “About 2,000
of them came, I was so surprised,” he said.
The
painting reminded them of theordeal they once shared: how, in their
hunger, they had to sort out and take away the shards of glass and
the slippers, hoping to drink from a bowl of soup. “We used to joke
about it, because without the joke, we only had death and the grave,”
he said.
An
estimated 1 million people died, most of them suspected Communists
and their sympathizers, when Soeharto assumed power in 1965,
overthrowing the Soekarno regime.
Still
a student activist when he was picked up and brought to prison,
Tedjabayu had endured Buru island for four months before he was moved
on to Nusa Kambangan, a maximum security prison off the southern
coast of Java island and then, on to a series of other prisons and
finally to the military prison camp called Ambarawa until his release
in 1979.
As
Indonesians trooped to the polls on April 9 this year for the general
elections, the outcome of which would determine Indonesia’s
presidential polls in July, Tedjabayu expressed concern over the
prospect that personalities associated with the old Soeharto regime
would usher in the military’s return to power.
At
least two of the top three contending parties in Indonesia are
fielding personalities with links to the previous regime; namely:
Soeharto’s former political party Golkar; and its breakaway, the
Great Indonesia Movement Party (Gerindra), which will be fielding
PrabowoSubianto, a former special
forces commander and former son-in-law of Soeharto,
as its political bet for president in the July elections.
Indonesia’s
election law only allows political parties which win 25 per cent of
the votes in the national elections, or 20 per cent of the total
seats in the House of Representatives (HR), to field their
presidential candidates for the presidential elections.
“This
election is important for us,” said Tedjabayu, who admitted he did
not vote in Indonesia’s previous three elections, disappointed by
the failure of the reformasi to usher meaningful change to the lives
of Indonesian people. “I did not vote because in doing so, I would
only support a government that is not pro-democracy and leaders whose
commitment to the people was not clear,” he said.
But
this time, he said, not to vote would be a sin.
“This
election will decide the future of Indonesia. We don’t want to give
the presidency back to the military and to the corrupt generation,”
he said.
A
popular uprising may have ended Soeharto’s 30-year-old rule in
1998, propping up a popular presidency that ushered in Indonesia’s
reformasi, or the era of openness and reform.
But
the failure of the reformasi era to institute meaningful change to
the lives of average Indonesians, and allegations of corruption that
followed the succeeding regimes, eroded people’s confidence and
estranged them from taking part actively in the country’s
elections.
In
Indonesia, the people’s disillusionment has given rise to the
phenomenon known as “golput,” short for “golonganputih (white
group),” a group of Indonesian voters who refused to vote, as a way
to keep themselves clean from the stain of politics they already
perceived as dirty.
Reports
by the civil monitoring election network JRRP, a multi sectoral
interfaith nongovernment organization, showed an increasing
percentage of Indonesia’s voting population have stopped
participating in the polls. “We want everyone to participate in
the elections,” says Afif, the group’s national coordinator, as
he urged citizens to take active part in the polls. “This is our
challenge because in the last three elections, we’ve been having a
decreasing participation rate.”
While
voters’ turnout registered a high of 92 per cent in the elections
of 1999, or the year after Soeharto’s overthrow, the numbers
plummeted to 84 per cent in 2004 and plunged further to 71 per cent
in the 2009 elections.
Reports
said voters’ turnout was back again to 75 per cent during the April
9 polls this year, thanks to the campaign to encourage people to
vote. “Many people are discouraged, because of the bad image and
reports of corruption,” Afif said, “This is a challenge.”
But
among those who refused to vote, journalist AneguraPerkasah,who
covers the business and human rights beat for the Indonesian paper
Bisnis Indonesia, said he is disappointed by the energy policy of the
government, which allowed big business to set up coal mines in his
hometown in Kalimantan, displacing people from their land, polluting
the air and water, and depriving people of their livelihood and
access to drinking water. “I do it as a form of protest,”
saysPerkasah, raising both his hands to show fingers untainted by
indelible ink, on the day of the April 9 general elections.
Although
Jakarta Governor JokoWidodo, the presidential bet of the Megawati
Sukarno-led opposition party PDIP, continues to lead popularity
surveys, following behind him is PrabowoSubianto, the commander of
the special commando force under Soeharto.
Prabowo has beenlinked to the abduction of student activists in the time of Indonesian riots in 1998, 13 of those activists remained missing up to this day, their family members holding silent protests every Thursday in front of Indonesia’s state palace, asking for justice for their missing kin.“It seems that people easily forget,” said Perkasah, referring to the relative popularity of Prabowo in the polls.
But Tedjabayu still remembers, and his memories even go three decades further back, when Soeharto just assumed power. He recalls having to bury four of his friends at one time, he had trouble carrying them, one in front, two at his side and another one at his back.
“The
first time we heard our friend died, we stood and bowed our head, as
a sign of respect,” he said, “Then, the following day, another
news of another friend came, and we could no longer stand up. We were
so weak and in pain.”
“There was a time the death all around us have made us so numb, we could no
longer feel anything.”
Tedjabayu
divided the history of Indonesia into three eras: The first era
belonged to the generation of his father, the 1945 generation who
fought the Dutch and freed Indonesia from foreign power; the second
era, his generation,persecuted bySoeharto’s new order; and the next
generation, whom he said, will be the future of Indonesia. “If I’m
not going to vote it will be a sin for the future,”he said, “I
will vote to save the new generation, to ensure that the next
president will not come either from the military or from the corrupt
politicians.”
As
if recalling the taste of stewed slippers and shards of broken glass,
he says he knows exactly how it feels for the country to lose its
freedom.This year’s election should be no time for golput, he says.
Indonesians should vote to say never again to military rule.
GermelinaLacorte is a journalist fellow of the Southeast Asian Press Alliance (Seapa) sent to observe Indonesia’s general elections on April 9, 2014.
GermelinaLacorte is a journalist fellow of the Southeast Asian Press Alliance (Seapa) sent to observe Indonesia’s general elections on April 9, 2014.
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